my kid

my kid makes me laugh. hard. he is a joy to me...however, this picture is a bit disturbing. how old do you have to be for counseling?


(no, this is not the post that is "coming soon")

new post...

...coming soon. just got back from passion in atl. trying to wrap my head around some stuff. when i do, i'll post. WOW...that's all i have to say!

dave...

no, not matthews. dave ramsey. i am officially on the dave ramsey plan. (if you're not familiar, do yourself a favor!) so, here goes. i am not good at sticking to a budget. i tend to "rob peter to pay paul". i'm gonna give it a valiant effort. the goal: get my car paid off and my 2nd mortgage!

american idol

every freakin year, they suck me in. i'm not proud.

politics

yeah, i'm going there*.

i had a strange realization the other day that seriously jacked with my mind. bush sr. was elected in 1989. if hillary wins (God forbid), this means that the presidential office would have been held between two families in the last 20+ years. this is jacked up. it is insane to think that anything in this country is going to change when we basically continue to reelect the same people. i am ready for change...most people in my generation are ready for change. we want to be inspired. i am not inspired by the state of our country. i am not ready to see more of the same.

*see disclaimer...need i remind you, oakbrook does not necessarily endorse my thoughts.

real

so, i haven't written in a while. life has been very challenging lately. i have lost the ability to b.s. and this process of going through life lately has taken me to a new place of raw vulnerability. i'm quite uncomfortable with it. it's good and foreign. i don't write, because i have to face this vulnerability. yeah, i know it's healthy to face inner crap. one of the things i have realized is that anytime we allow ourselves to be refined by God, it's never safe, or comfortable. it's quite the opposite...scary and uncomfortable. i don't like scary or uncomfortable. at the same time i don't want to live safe. so here i am, caught. a good friend, no, a great friend, told me to "keep on keepin' on". at first i heard it and thought, "that's nice". no, there is something deeper here. when life sends you into an almost literal whirlwind, you either remain:

changeless. stagnant. lifeless.

or you "keep on keepin' on":

grow. change. transform.

i know what result i want my life to look like. in the meantime, i'm very uncomfortable. and i don't like it.

blank

i have a canvas that has been sitting in my house for months now. it has a faint pencil image, but other than that it is blank. it has yet to see the stroke of a paintbrush; the strokes it was meant for, designed for. right now, this painting exists in my mind's eye, and it is beautiful and meaningful. it is inspired and creative. it is a part of me. right now, it is perfect. why, then, am i so apprehensive about finishing the piece? maybe, because once it's "out there" it won't live up to the art in my imagination. maybe, because someone will attach critical words to something, that in my mind is a beautiful piece of who i am, and in that moment i will be the one who is criticized. the bigger question is how many areas of my life remain blank and unpainted because i am afraid they will not live up to some ideal expectation, or i am afraid i may be criticized?

i want to paint life with many strokes and many colors, but what is it that stops me from doing so? i am on a journey to start living life with an easel in front of me and paintbrush in hand.